Why Making New Friends Feels Exhausting as an Adult

Jay Shetty
But it’s important to realize that you can’t build a deep connection without walking through the shallow. So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently? Who have you connected with recently that you haven’t put enough effort in with? You know you need to put an effort. Yes, it’s going to be exhausting. Maybe the first time, maybe the second time. I promise you by the third time, it’s not that exhausting, right? By the third time, it should feel natural. The first time

Jay Shetty
Now, how do we make it much easier? There’s something I love. I call it the friction rule. Research in behavioral science shows we do things more when there’s less friction, aka less effort. So don’t try to start brand new routines. Instead, ask, where am I already going that I could add a connection to? If I go to a workout, let me have someone that I go to that workout with, right? If I go for a walk after work, let me find someone I had that walk with. If I love going out for brunch on the weekend, let me add someone to that. So it’s the tag along invite. Next time we go into the gym, farmer’s market, or even errands, text someone, hey, I’m going here. Do you want to come with me? It’s low pressure. It adds connection to something you’re already doing. So now it’s less exhausting. The exhausting part is when you have to create plans, add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you’re doing already. It doesn’t create friction in your life. That’s why it’s the no friction rule. Number one, use the no friction rule. To me, this has become one of my secret weapons. I feel like I’m able to spend so much quality time with people without having to make it crazy and

Jay Shetty
You’re not doing that with your adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of a 10-minute touch point. Pick one person you like and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week. You can say, hey, randomly thought of you, just checking in. How’s your week? Do you want to catch up this month? It allows you to keep someone on your radar, they’re on yours, and you keep watering the seed. I do this every time I think of someone, I message them. And 99% of the time, I get a message that says, I was just thinking of you too. And I love it when this happens because it makes you realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey, I just thought of you. You wanna go on a walk tomorrow? Hey, I’m going to this event. You wanna join me? Hey, I’m going on a hike. Do you wanna join me? Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people. And it takes away the stress and the pressure that we add on to friendships, right? We often think it has to be a big plan. It has to be really interesting. It’s the micro routines that win. This is

Jay Shetty
I want you to try out the honest message. Send this to someone you kind of know, but want to know better. Hey, I loved our conversation lately. Let’s grab some lunch, right? It feels awkward for 10 seconds, but it opens a door. And I promise you, people are looking for this. I recently had an interaction. I was at an event. Someone came up to me. They were saying to me how much they like my work. I realized I knew of their work. They’re behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too. Then we connected on a Zoom call. And for me, it was just so easy. Like I just vibed with this person. And I realized it’s so important to wear your heart on your sleeve, right? I wear my heart on my sleeve because I’d rather someone know where I stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself distant from a great relationship. So a

Jay Shetty
We spend so much time at work. We spend so much time with the people around us at work. But often they’re the last people we want to be friends with. Yes, it could be hard. Yes, it could be difficult. Yes, you may not trust them, but if you can, it’s worth investing in one good friend at work. We’re going to spend a third of our lifetimes at work. It’s important that we feel like we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least one person. And I promise you, people at work are looking for the same thing. They may want to rush and get home. They may have someone at home that understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends. You’re not trying to compete. You’re not trying to get in the way of another relationship in their life. But if we’re going to spend so much time at work, it’s important to try and find someone there. And that makes it less exhausting. You’re seeing this person anyway. You’re connected with this person anyway.