Teaching My Daughter Her Last Name: Surprising Moments of Parenthood • The speaker expresses their joy of having no pressure and not missing out on special moments with their child. • There was a surprising moment where the speaker had to teach their child what their last name was. • The speaker reflects on the experience of claiming their child piece by piece before they develop their own identity.
Speaker 1
This is what I wanted. This is what I didn’t want to miss. And right now, this feeling, I had no pressures on me. They had no preschool. And God, it was so great. And then the other thing is all these super surprising moments, like a crazy surprising moment was Georgia looking at the mail and saying, what is this? And I was like, Oh my God, it’s your last name. That’s your last name. And she was like, what’s the last name? I’m like, Oh my God, this is, I could not have seen this coming. Like, of course, someone has to tell you that there’s such a thing as a last name. And this is what yours is. And this is what the letters are. And this is the order you write them in. And this is how you do it. And so I remember writing in my journal that night. I taught Georgia her last name today. You wrote in the New York Times that before our children become themselves, when they are more physical than intellectual and emotional, we claim them piece by piece. The way he sits like his dad, the furrow of her brow, so much like her mom’s, her flat feet, his luscious eyelashes, just like grandpas. I wonder how did you quote claim Georgia and Claire? What was your version of this?The Danger of Claiming Our Children • The idea of claiming our kids runs deeper than their physical traits. • Claiming children is dangerous, wrong-headed and common. • Parents tend to claim their children to cope with uncertainty. • It’s important to let children have their own experiences without projecting onto them.
Speaker 1
That sort of looks like she’s angry. And it is exactly what Edward looks like when he’s concentrating. So this little knot in her brow is Edwards. It feels like this idea of claiming our kids. I mean, it runs deeper than their physical traits. It seems like, I really want to understand when you say we claim them piece by piece, unpack that for me and what that means. What does it mean to claim children? And like, what does that do to our own psychology as parents? Well, I think it’s super dangerous. And I think it’s wrong headed. And I think it’s probably really common. I remember the first time Claire saw the ocean. We were driving in San Diego and we pulled over and she ran straight for the water. And then instantly, like instead of letting that just be hers, it was like, oh, she’s just like you, Edward. She’s a swimmer. And it’s like, or she’s just her and she’s having a great moment. And I think because uncertainty is so intolerable and because we’re narrative making machines, that it’s quiteA Babysitting Relationship Turned Strange Encounter • Sophie had a good babysitting relationship with Joel’s mom and the girls. • A woman recognized Georgia on a family walk, leaving her surprised.
Speaker 1
And when Sophie took care of the girls, she often took them over to Joel’s house. And Joel’s mom was there, and the girls are adorable. And so the mom is enjoying them and giving them little cookies and taking them out for a swim and whatever. All of this is sort of unknown to me. I’m just happy that Sophie’s in charge. They love her. She loves them. So it was a beautiful babysitting relationship. And fast forward, like a year and a half, we’re on a little family walk. And this woman pulled over in her car and rolled down the window and said, Hi, Georgia. And I thought, how could you possibly know my kid? There is no way that she could know someone that I didn’t introduce her to. Like she’s too little. She doesn’t even know words. I didn’t tell her. Like, I’m doing everything. I know exactly what she ate. I know what she wore. I know who she talked to. I know what words she can use. I know what letters she can write. I know what books she’s read. And this is probably why it’s so hard to pull your hands off the wheel. There is a moment there. And that moment lasts for several years where you actually do know every single input in another person’s life. Because you’re involved. You’re doing it. You’re managing it. You’re facilitating it. You’re talking about the early years, like the first few years. The early, early years. Yeah. And then this lady was like, Hi, Georgia.Emotional Responses to Discovering your Perception of your Children is not Accurate • The brain tends to categorize and parse information when drawing conclusions about people. • Reevaluating one’s conclusions about their children can provoke various emotional reactions. • Not perceiving something important about one’s child is a terrifying feeling.
Speaker 1
Like she understands everything. And I said to Georgia, God, you love science. And she said, Oh, no, I don’t love science. I’m just good at science. And I was like, Oh, right. Like, again, there’s this like fine parsing where your category making machine of a brain is like, Oh, April. And she’s like, Oh, a plus B equals C. And she’s like, no, a plus B equals D. What did it feel like emotionally when it was revealed to you that you either didn’t know something about your daughters or that the conclusion you had drawn about them was not the same Conclusion someone else had drawn about them. Sometimes thrilling. Sometimes like it was a little moment of awe, like, this is cool. Like watching a great movie or reading a great book when you’re surprised. Yeah. And sometimes it was maddening because I was sure that I was right. And the person was wrong. And then they had some influence in their life. And I didn’t want that. Sometimes it was unnerving. It’s a terrible feeling to think there’s something important about your kid that you are not perceiving. It’s terrifying. And it happens more and more as they get older. Yeah.The Dangers of Labeling and Overcommunication in Parenting • It’s too early to know if something will work until enough time has passed to evaluate it. • Labeling something can give it more meaning and power. • Framing can define what happens next, often to a mistake. • It’s important to let kids drive their own lives and not helicopter parent them. • Parents don’t have to respond to their kids immediately and should let them communicate on their own terms. • The speaker experienced a transition in college where they became more independent from their parents.
Speaker 1
The true answer is, I don’t know yet. It’s going to take me eight weeks to tell you how it’s going. As a cognitive scientist, you’re the one to confirm this, but I feel like once you label something that it takes on greater meaning, like that language and thoughts and feelings are All kind of linked in this way, that if she’s, if I make her say, it’s good. It’s bad. I like it. I don’t like it. How’s your roommate? She’s okay. Then all of a sudden, that framing takes on added power to define what happens next. And that’s such a mistake. And so this guy said unequivocally, leave your kids alone, let them drive. If they want to contact you, go ahead. You don’t have to respond to your kid within like 60 seconds. Yeah, I’m just laughing this moment, thinking back to when I felt this transition, I think it was in college at some point where my parents were so available to me when I was in high school. And in college, I went to college close by to where they live, so I’d still see them a bunch. But I remember I would call my mom or dad and they were just too busy for me. My mom’s like, I’m sorry. I’m helping people get green cards to study in this country. And my dad’s like, I’m in the middle of the physics equation.Reflections on Personal Development and Moving On • The speaker reflects on how having to figure things out on their own was helpful for their development. • The speaker is excited about starting new things and loves novelty. • The end of something was articulated as a decrease in emotional intimacy. • The speaker is learning how to put things together to be happy, productive, and useful.
Speaker 1
And I just had to kind of figure stuff out myself. And I never really thought about that until this moment. And now I’m realizing that was probably quite helpful for my development, that they had their own thing. Oh, it’s phenomenal. And this is a huge new thing for me that I’m trying to get my head around right this second. Like something new is beginning now. And I can make it great. Like, I’m totally, I love Edward. I love my work. We’re starting new things. I love novelty. I’m learning. Like everything. I know how to put this together in a way that I can be happy and productive and useful. That doesn’t mean that something didn’t end. To articulate what ended, right, or what felt so stark about the move away from home or just maybe their adolescence, it was a decrease in emotional intimacy. Is that what you were feeling? Is that what you were grieving? Well, I mean, first I was grieving knowing them in the way that you know someone who lives in your house. Like your kid in college or the rest of their life, like how much does your mom know about you right now? How much does my mom know about me right now? Not as much as she did when I was 17. Do you know who Tim Urban is? He writes this thing called Wait But Why? Yeah, of course.Navigating the Ambiguity of Adulthood • The speaker reflects on how life transitions can be ambiguous and lack a clear roadmap or direction. • Despite anticipating and desiring certain life events, the reality of experiencing them may not match expectations. • Transitioning from the role of a child to a parent can be a more straightforward and defined life stage compared to later stages of life.
Speaker 1
Like not that many. So I guess I was just grieving like this is what’s going to happen. Like this is the way this is. And it’s so weird to me that something that was so consuming for me as a kid, it’s like all I thought about. And then when it started happening, like when I met Edward and fell in love and got married and then we got pregnant and we got pregnant again, I thought this is it. Like it’s happening. But I didn’t have any big, really specific visions about what happens now. So it wasn’t like I was like moving into this awesome thing that I had been anticipating my whole life. And I was like, Oh God, this is the part where like nobody really knows what they’re doing and how long they should do it for. And you know, like this part is so ambiguous compared to, you know, in the first stage of your life, you’re someone’s kid. And then if you become a parent, then you do that for the next stage. And then the next stage is like, what, what now? This is a time to like move your focus. It’s like in my mind at night when I wake up, I literally think like of this visual where I’m rotating my field of vision away from them to the people in my life right now who can make use of Me.Letting Go as a Parent • Some people have a switch that allows them to totally let go and be thrilled by their children’s independence. • The speaker’s husband is delighted by their children’s independence and admires him for it. • The speaker acknowledges that she may be flawed in not feeling the same way as her husband. • The speaker thinks that many people feel the same as she does about their children’s independence.
Speaker 1
That the way it would be different is that we would, the parents would have some switch built into us that flips at just the right moment such that we can totally let go and be thrilled by The release. And I think some people have that. I mean, Edward, my husband would not give you the same answers to these questions. Like, he’s delighted. He can’t believe it. It’s just fantastic. It’s great that they’re on their own. It’s great. They’re independent. It’s great that we don’t need to talk to us that much. Like, it’s all turning out perfectly. And I admire him for that. I think he’s probably right. Like, I don’t defend where I’m coming from. And in fact, I consider myself flawed. I just don’t think I’m alone in it. I just have a feeling that a lot of us feel this way. Yeah.Cultural Perspectives on Parent-Child Relationships • The speaker considers themselves flawed and believes others may feel the same. • Cultural differences can influence expectations and perspectives on relationships between parents and children. • The speaker reflects on the contrast between their own perspective and the expectation of their culture. • The speaker finds it interesting that the answer to a question about parenting involves adjustments on the parent side rather than the child’s development or independence. • The speaker values open communication and hopes their children continue to share their lives with them.
Speaker 1
Like, I don’t defend where I’m coming from. And in fact, I consider myself flawed. I just don’t think I’m alone in it. I just have a feeling that a lot of us feel this way. Yeah. I mean, it’s interesting because even from a cultural perspective, I’m thinking about how different my own orientation is about what children owe their parents or vice versa. Like my parents aren’t like, Hey, is it okay if I text your call? They will call me whenever the help I want and the extra intention is that I will pick up. So that’s a whole nother thing, which is just societal expectations within the Indian culture about what this relationship is like. And I’m just thinking in this moment, how curious is it that your answer to my question wasn’t, well, that my kids would just keep sharing their lives with me. God damn it. That’s what I really want. I want them to keep sharing with me everything. And that’s such an interesting perspective that your answer was an adjustment on the parent side. It involved no adjustment to how the kids development turns out or that striving for independence. So it seems like you’re comfortable with the independence piece. You just need to. Yeah. Interesting. You know, one thing that makes me super happy. And I just noticed it because it happened yesterday is when I know that they’re experiencing deep intimacy with someone else.
